sigh


I don’t know if the whole situation that I have been in now was started by my fault but I know for sure I was wrong for my behaviour.

I am ignorant, inconsiderate, selfish and over all, way too stubborn. I understand why things work the other way round because I put myself in her shoes, I would do exactly the same. But I couldn’t help myself from reacting this way. I don’t like it when I was confronted with questions. And I seriously don’t even like it when I was confronted with reasons. I know all the reasons make sense but they are not helping me in this situation.

I’m just very tired. I avoid calls and emails, which i know could just make things even worse. I don’t like it when they are trying to get close to me but all I need is simply some quietness to balance myself out. Give me some time and I will sort this out on my own.

I think I’ve been independent for so long that I am protective of my own space. Whenever I anticipate a disruption to my routines, I fear for the insecurity and whatever consequences that might happen. That is when I turn defensive to refrain the changes from coming.

I don’t want the same thing to happen to me in the future. I know what I shouldn’t do, yet I don’t know what to do instead. I find myself selfish and I just hate myself for now indeed. Damn it, the years are shorter and I need to learn the right thing.

I’m sorry…

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sigh

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