An upsetting Friday

Today is one of the days that I feel so down.

There is one thing I have been contemplating and it really hit me hard today: ownership.

In the set of my own beliefs, ownership is probably the most important thing. Ownership is the core of responsibility and self-discipline. It is as simple as this. When you own something, you know and you will take charge to take care of it. Say you own a car, you know when it is to service your car, what to do when your car needs fuel, how to park properly so it wont get scratches, just to name a few as an example. Now talking about unidentified objects, when you own a project, you would find all ways to get the project move and completed at the best of your capacity. Figuratively, when you Own your lfe, you know what to do with it, even when you don’t know what to do you would still keep finding a way until you do.

I think I have own pretty much of my life. I have a good job that I’m motivated to go to work everyday (ironically it’s not today). I feel excited when there’s a potential brief coming in. I have a boyfriend with whom I can maintain the relationship well. I have a place to sleep and something to eat everyday. I have cleared all my study loan and soon the bond. All in all, I think I have done quite well in taking charge and managing everything. There is only one that I miss out: my family.

I was having an argument with my mom earlier on about her travel plan and somehow I felt angry for her sudden change of plan and all the consequential hassle caused. I know I have said things that upset her. That deeply upsets myself too.

I cried in the shower cos I felt so terrible.

After the heated moment passed, it dawned on me how much neglected I was with my family. I was too focused on building my own life and have obviously taken my parents and family for granted. Someone has said: we keep growing up and we also forget that our parents are growing old too. That had never hit me that hard.

There is no question about my parents’ ownership on me but how much ownership I am having for them?

I can be easily irritated when I don’t agree with my Mom and I feel troubled when my plan or routine was disturbed. But at the same time I have forgot how my parents had been accommodating me when I troubled them. Did they complain when I fall sick? No! Did they complain when I failed the some tests? No! Did they complain when I was such a burden on their shoulders? No! Then who gave me the rights to complain when all they want now is to make sure I’m okay??!

Instead of being someone who cares for the family and check on them regularly, I have been neglectant. Work and friend and social life and selfishness have distanced me from them. 7 years away from home and I have grown too indifferent. Sometimes I wonder where I will end up to be?

And it’s not the first time I felt this bad. All along I know my problem yet I dont want to address it out of my comfort zone. I could have changed things by one step at a time but I have refused to do it. I let my selfish me overruled and now I’m feeling so regretful. If there were a way to turn back the hands of time, I always wish I would have behaved differently.

Things won’t change if I don’t change myself. I should have taken ownership on my family for so long ago but it had always been better late than never. I will do it right now and onwards.

Last thing is Mom and Dad and Sister, I love you!

An upsetting Friday

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