For so long i have been struggling with something I can’t name it, someone now has spoken it out. The misalignment of expectations has been making me uncomfortable on my ass.
Certainly I always longed for home but every time i was just hours from home, I had butterflies in my stomach. In my mind, all I can think of is how to address questions like "why do you look so slim?" (I’m certainly not slim, but always too skinny in my parents’ eyes), "what’s your plan about getting a master?", "what’s your plan with Gau?", "what are your friends doing and who’s still in Singapore now?". I think i’m just tired of answering all the questions.
In fact, I appreciate some peace of my mind. Life in Singapore has been stressful enough, I want to have some quietness there back home. No one comes to bug me with a lot of questions every day. No one pushes me. I can take some time to sleep, to eat, to think of whatever things I have in my head.
I don’t now if I’m in the anti-catching-up syndrome. I’m totally all ear to listen to what people have been up to. But I’m tired of doing the talking. I naturally don’t like to talk.
I have just told my mom to refrain from asking me questions about areas I’m not comfortable in entertaining her. I’m feeling guilty for giving her such a cold shoulder. At the end of the day, she just wants to make sure I’m all okay. On the other hand, I’m hiding up in my shell and not wanting to do anything but looking at the world. Is it a really bad thing to do?
Family is family anyway.
I have changed so much for the past 8 years. I have developed personality and characters, good and bad. I know what I want and what I don’t want, or at least i think i know. I have also had reservations and priorities for myself.
I’m still my parents’ daughter. But I’m also a little grown up now. I know my parents are getting old, I’m trying to work my ass off. I know my parents are concerned about me, I’m trying to stay happy. That’s all I’d like to do and I wish they knew that I plan to do nothing more than that, so I’ll be fine.
I have also learned that life is not a list with check boxes. Maybe I’m living in a society where career is placed on a higher priority and I can’t make sense of the urge to get married. I don’t want my life is be full of sequences that all my friends or my parents’ friends’ children go through. Life journey is crafted by each and individuals, isn’t it? Or maybe I’m living with a more open mindset that I fill with other ambitions I’d like to achieve before settling down? Whatever it is, I feel like my parents are pushing me down the road of all the norms that are supposed to happen in a person’s life. The more they push, the more resistant I become. Sure, we will check all that boxes but when or how, let me decide.
For whatever that I had said earlier, if anything that had ever upset my dear mother, I hope she would forgive me. I inherit the independence genes from both mom and dad and so i’ve got double, that’s why I’m so hard to bend.
Like what I’ve always asked Gau to do, I want my parents to trust me that things will fall in place and there’s nothing to be worried about. In fact, there’s really nothing to worry about I reckon!
Mommy and Daddy, I love you pals.