I know I should be working right now. But I can’t help thinking of my dear husband.
He’s unwell recently. And that’s killing me.
He’s currently trapped in something he’s not happy about. Everyday he comes home, he’s exhausted. I ask: how’s your day, he couldn’t crack a smile. He told me: everything is okay with an unsettling look. I know I should not have asked but I can’t help checking in to make sure he’s still alright.
He’s losing weight. A lot of weight, without even trying. I have to twist my arms tighter to hold him now. His picture reflects his slimmer figure. I guess everybody’s happy for me. I am worried for him. My mom keeps saying losing weight is not everything, he has to stay healthy as well.
His hands, the softest, smoothest pairs of hands that I usually hold so dear to my heart, now become rough. The skin has dried up and cracked. He showed me how he’s had biceps now, laughing about it, but with a very sad smile on his face.
He doesn’t sleep well at night. He would wake up several times for some toilet trips. I have plucked out 2 strands of white hair from his head despite his protest.
He coughs. After dinner, he could just collapse onto the bed. He would close his eyes and say: i’m so tired. Come give me a hug.
I would then jump onto the bed and lie next to him. I said: i’m sorry it’s because i want to stay. He said: i’m sorry i don’t want to jeopardize your opportunity. Then I hide my eyes into his chest.
People think it’s so easy to just pack your back and go to a new city to settle down. The idea is really fun for the ears, splendid to the eyes and exciting for the heart. The reality will kill it all.
These are the hardships we are struggling with. They are so real they can break us anytime. There have been countless times he told me let’s take it as our 3-month vacation, travel around for a while and go back. I said: you can’t just give up that easily. And he continues to hold on to it.
Now, looking at how he’s suffering mentally and physically, I don’t know if I’m pushing perseverance or being plainly stubborn and egoistic.
This is just so heart-breaking.