The only one thing I ever wish for forever is you being healthy and happy.
I count the seconds to be home.
So you’re married, the next question is always: when are you having your baby?
And you reply: I will start working on it when (a) …. (b)…. and (c)….. You think that gives them a good indication of what you need to achieve first, before having a baby.
And they continue: You know your parents are getting old, you are getting old, you must have a baby to have a balanced life, you have to make your parents happy, yaddah yaddah yaddah….
What makes you feel now?
I know my parents are getting old and they want to have grandchildren.
I know I’m getting old and my biological clock is ticking.
I know this is something I have to do.
And I feel I’m letting everyone down, more and more by each day it passes by.
I feel like a cruel person that I don’t want to do it yet as I’m selfish and I want to do what I want to do for myself. And I feel like a failure when I’ve been so behind my thesis and I can’t get concentrating. I feel tired of this vicious cycle that I tell myself that I will try a little bit every day but I got distracted by something else. I have disappointed people. And I’m scared that I’m not ready enough, financially and mentally. I’m scared that things aren’t going the way it is and there’s no turning back. I’m scared to talk to the in-laws as I’m 100% sure the question will come up again. No matter how excited I am about the upcoming holiday, I’m scared to go home and face all the questions.
It has never dawned on me how tremendous this pressure could grow to be placed on a woman when other people expect her to have a baby (just like that).
In this very moment, it couldn’t get any more lonely and deflated.
If you find yourself having way too many wandering thoughts and distraction, here’s a tip.
Draw a square (or circle if you like) on a piece of paper and figuratively speaking, put your thoughts there. Like Dumbledore and his Pensieve, only less fancy.